amazing song

Come on skinny love just last the year

Pour a little salt we were never here

My, my, my, my, my, my, my, my

Staring at the sink of blood and crushed veneer



I tell my love to wreck it all

Cut out all the ropes and let me fall

My, my, my, my, my, my, my, my

Right in the moment this order's tall



I told you to be patient

I told you to be fine

I told you to be balanced

I told you to be kind

In the morning I'll be with you

But it will be a different "kind"

I'll be holding all the tickets

And you'll be owning all the fines



Come on skinny love what happened here

Suckle on the hope in lite brassiere

My, my, my, my, my, my, my, my

Sullen load is full; so slow on the split



I told you to be patient

I told you to be fine

I told you to be balanced

I told you to be kind

Now all your love is wasted?

Then who the hell was I?

Now I'm breaking at the britches

And at the end of all your lines



Who will love you?

Who will fight?

Who will fall far behind?

teeter totter

How many times have you been sitting on the edge. The brink of something, and yet you can't quite tell what is on the other side. That's where I'm at right now. I think I'm falling apart. People say I'm not myself... I don't really feel any differently, But then again, I feel not quite like I'm missing part of myself, but more or less just like some part of me got turned off. And now I'm searching in the dark for the switch. I don't know what this means for me. I'm pretty much failing my entire semester. After four years of college i fuck it up in the end... right when you're actually supposed to start buckling down and getting your shit together. I start throwing shit around like some monkey. Perhaps I'll stumble around enough and find an "EJECT" button, or some bright blinking "EXIT" sign. Maybe doors are just locking themselves as soon as I put my hand on the knobs.


Despite all of this. I. Don't. Care. It's not the apathy that I felt in high school, that was fueled by some black rage that I kept to keep from getting hurt. It's simply an absence. Really all I can do at a time like this is shrug. Oh don't worry, there are times I have my moments, staring in the mirror at myself staring at myself fighting to get control of my breathing back. I think it's a classic case of an anxiety attack. Even though I've never really had those before. I thought i had internalized all my worries into stomach and head aches. It's strange how us people work. Or maybe I speak for myself, since most people don't group me in with "most people."

History In the Making

*insert barak obama victory dance here*

Tonight we the people made history. If HALF the change Obama wants happens, we will be a much better nation. Screw ppl who keep making references to the fact that we'll be somewhat socialist...it will do us good. I'm so excited for the future of our country. Anything is better than what we have now.
It sill bothers me that most of the nation is against gay rights, bother me a lot. I love Anna, I want her to have everything that i may potentially have.
Fuck Oil, our real concern should be water.
Life is complicated.
Josh is mad at me
Had some heavy conversations with my mom and grandma today. Found out things about my familiy I never knew.


My head needs some helium, just to lighten up some.

What the hell just happened?

What a fucking fucked up night.


So I get off work and go see my friend's band play at a local shop here in town. We have a grand ole time afterwards catching up on stuff and talking about just life in general since we really haven't had time to hang out in a long time. Thomas and I grew up together but only see each other sporadically now. Anyways, we're really good friends. So we end up going on down to our favorite local bar and hanging out there for a while, but we get bored and walk up to a party at one of his friend's houses a couple blocks away. Everything is going fine and dandy, and I'm sitting outside by myself for a little bit while he's talking to a bunch of people I don't know. These two guys walk up and start to go into the house next to the one we're out. One guy cracks some pick up line joke and laughed it off and so did he. A few minutes later he comes back out and sits down beside me and we proceed with stupid small talk. Just when I'm getting to the point to mention that "hey I gotta boyfriend at home so don't bother and cut the shit" this dude's brother comes out. He's dressed up like some old hick or something with fucked up teeth and a cane and makes a pass at me too... I'm totally willing to brush this off so I laugh and make some comment about needed to buy a toothbrush, and me and these two guys banter back and forth momentarily but somehow, and I couldn't even begin to tell you how, shit gets fucking real. The original guys brother goes off the god damn deep end and we end up in getting ready to throw it down. Like seriously, I was taking off my jacket and we were getting ready to roll. He didn't give a fuck that I was a girl and niether did I. At this point Thomas and his friends are coming downstairs and outside and I yell at him that we need to go or I'm going to fuck this guy up... so naturally he picks up speed and comes out the door with some concern. The first dude picks up his brother's cane and swings the god damn thing at me, missed and bust Thomas across the face and dudes bro punches me once in the jaw and then in the face. Holy fuck shit went wild. a few people pulled these two fucktards away and push them into the nieghbor's house and the guy across the street comes out of his door to see what is up. Thomas calls the police, because obviously we've been asaulted. These two guys are arguing inside the house and come barrelling out to make their escape. But me, being me, start talking some fucked up shit about them being pansy ass bitches. Some dude is trying to push them in the car but 1st guy's brother is not having it and comes running at me again talking shit and Thomas says their isn't any point in leaving because the police are on their way and will be there in any minute. So dude says some shit and thomas comes down off the porch toward guy one, whose face I'm already in and the dude just starts hitting on Thomas with this cane, I turn around in time to see the cane shatter over his head and blood go splattering, and I fucking lose it. Which is ok cause brother dude is aready coming at me again. So he and I are in some real fisticuffs. He's pretty much pounding on my head and I'm wailing on ribs and kidney hard enough to bruise my hand and really fuck my fingers up. Some dude finally gets these two idiots in the car about the time the cops pull up and the drive off. But not before I get a lisence plate number. They still got away though, but the police are tracking them down supposedly. So the next hour or so is spent talking to police and taking pictures of Thomas and me pretty much covered in Thomas's blood. It took us like 30 minutes to find someone to take us to the emergency room, b/c Thomas doesn't have insurance and refused the ambulance ride, but needed stitches. And the cop didn't want me to drive, probably for good reason. So then we spent the next six hours in the ER. I didn't even get seen. The last thing I need is another medical bill. the ER nurse informally examined me, being concerned about the growing bruise on my collar bone, and said I have a mild concussion from about five-seven solid shots on my skull, couple have some cuts on them. Thomas does as well, with six stitches in his skull. So basically once these dudes get caught they've got assault on an unarmed dude, who didn't throw one single punch, pansy fuckers couldn't even manage to knock him out with a weapon, and then brother bear there is looking at assault on a GIRL half his size who did at least as much damage to him as he did to me.

Please, remember me

Trapeze Swinger- Iron and Wine
everyone needs to give this song a good listen at least once in their life. Once will lead to a few times will lead to it settling in your bones forever.


Please, remember me
Happily
By the rosebush laughing
With bruises on my chin
The time when
We counted every black car passing
Your house beneath the hill
And up until
Someone caught us in the kitchen
With maps, a mountain range,
A piggy bank
A vision too removed to mention
But

Please, remember me
Fondly
I heard from someone you're still pretty
And then
They went on to say
That the pearly gates
Had some eloquent graffiti
Like 'We'll meet again'
And 'Fuck the man'
And 'Tell my mother not to worry'
And angels with their gray
Handshakes
Were always done in such a hurry
And

Please, remember me
At Halloween
Making fools of all the neighbors
Our faces painted white
By midnight
We'd forgotten one another
And when the morning came
I was ashamed
Only now it seems so silly
That season left the world
And then returned
And now you're lit up by the city
So

Please, remember me
Mistakenly
In the window of the tallest tower call
Then pass us by
But much too high
To see the empty road at happy hour
Leave and resonate
Just like the gates
Around the holy kingdom
With words like 'Lost and Found' and 'Don't Look Down'
And 'Someone Save Temptation'
And

Please, remember me
As in the dream
We had as rug-burned babies
Among the fallen trees
And fast asleep
Aside the lions and the ladies
That called you what you like
And even might
Give a gift for your behavior
A fleeting chance to see
A trapeze
Swing as high as any savior
But

Please, remember me
My misery
And how it lost me all I wanted
Those dogs that love the rain
And chasing trains
The colored birds above there running
In circles round the well
And where it spells
On the wall behind St. Peter's
So bright with cinder gray
And spray paint
'Who the hell can see forever?'
And

Please, remember me
Seldomly
In the car behind the carnival
My hand between your knees
You turn from me
And said 'The trapeze act was wonderful
But never meant to last'
The clown that passed
Saw me just come up with anger
When it filled with circus dogs
The parking lot
Had an element of danger
So

Please, remember me
Finally
And all my uphill clawing
My dear
But if i make
The pearly gates
Do my best to make a drawing
Of G-d and Lucifer
A boy and girl
An angel kissin on a sinner
A monkey and a man
A marching band
All around the frightened trapeze swingers

Na-na
Na-na-na
Na-na
Na-na...

fractured organs

um... what the fuck, pray tell, is going? Am i just emitting pheromones this week and last? In the past two weeks I've spoken with every single past boyfriend, with the exception of one who is now married, apparently, but will message me before long I'm sure. And they have all admitted to withholding some embers of feelings for me. I'm freaking out. Who am I to have some jackpot, to where I could virtually take my pick of past and present options? Knowing that choosing any single one will ultimately both make and break me. I don't want such freedom. Maybe it would be a lot easier if there really was only one person for each of us, that we were destined to find them and live happily ever after. I only see broken hearts in my future.

I hate my job.

It's true. I could never work in retail, least not the customer end of retail for very long. I almost had a mental break down today... and it wasn't even an excessively hard day. It's just like as soon as I walk into that god damn store my life gets set on repeat for the next 8 hours. As soon as I get done with something I turn around and do the exact same thing again.... and again.... and again... and it's not like it's factory work, where you make some and it moves along and you make something again.... no. You're redoing everything you've already done.... again and again... get the monotony of it all? This is single handedly this most unproductive job i've ever had the displeasure of being part of. It makes me want to yell at small children, just to see them cry... so I can laugh. I hate it. It's so uncreative. I don't understand how people have made a career out this... 12, 25 years... i'd kill myself... or someone else. This thought grates on me everytime I walk in the door. The holiday season isn't even here yet. FUCK. Granted todayi was already a little stressed out before I even made it in... but something about the whole place made me feel bat shit insane. I'm seriously going to ask my doctor about getting something to chill me out a little bit... I thought I was finished being angry at the world... but this seriously doesn't feel like the teenage angst "why me" shit I felt years ago... This is me trying to figure out if today is the day I'm really going to snap.

Something must be done.

Ray LaMontagne

has the voice of an angel. I could seriously listen to him read the phone book in that raspy, heart wrenching voice. Saw him at the Ryman with Jay last night. It was phenomenal. He's pitch and performance perfect. It was obvious he cared more about the listening experience than asthetics, simply form the stage set up. we mostly only saw his side or back through the show, but he explained that it was so we weren't getting extra noise from the rest of the band through his mic. I'll take it. It was better than Damien Rice. Who was amazing! Show's like this are so intimate; they really leave a mark on you.

The whole day was wonderful actually. We had a blast. Saw an alright western called Apaloosa, ate some german food, then the show. I must admit, our timing is impeccable. We never has to wait long for anything. I'm an exellent planner when I want to be. Too bad I can't apply the same to other facets of my life, like school, or work or something.

I've happened upon some major inner conflict. I'm worried again for the first time in a long while. I've gotten myself into a situation where it is no longer just myself on the line. I miss my old self, the me that was a year and a half ago, the me that was free to do pretty much whatever I wanted. Sometimes I think I should have just stayed on campus. Stayed in PFT. I'd have more money, still be socialable. But it seems i go head first into whatever it is i decide to do, and then I spend a while trying to get my feet back under me. I've really nothing to complain about right now.... it's just that, well, I'm the kind of person that always sees the better in the things I don't have... and then I want them... and try to get them...

i'm nothing but trouble. but being good is no fun.

WTF????

Our teacher had his graduate assistant send us a pdf copy of HOW TO BE A GOOD WIFE. Granted I missed class on Wednesday and Monday (we had a guest speaker so it didn't really matter) But I'm failing to see how it would apply to any Business Psychology class, whose goal is to get us prepared for the real business world and have a successful life within business polotics. I'm baffled, and somewhat amused and offended at the same time. I sent an email asking the assistant to explain the context in which the file was meant or used in class. I'm still awaiting HER reply.

Granted it is from a 1950's textbook, but it came with no other body other that "Dr. Canjemi thought this would be useful to you all" I'm waiting for the punchline.

If you would like to see the file click here!

Some long awaited pictures from greece

Day late... ok more like a couple months

wrote this in greece on the way up the mountains.


So close you can almost breath another atmosphere
Hold your breath
Reach out to the stars
Infinity is not enough to count them all
Let them drip through your fingers
Into the sea
Don't hold on, least condensed air
Burn a scar for your soul
Restless mangled flesh
Would do good to forget
It is only awe that steals the oxygen.













I think I've lost my touch.

Burn out

Not even halfway through the semester and I'm already burnt out on school. I'm ready for the regular 9-5 boring stuff. Graduating in may is too far away. Although I guess I should go a head and resound mysself to the fact that it will probably end up being 8-7 shifts where I bring my work home with me b/c I couldn't get it finished. That is... if I even get a job in theis fucked up economy we're facing. Our generation is screwed. I've got a teacher preaching about getting a 401k.... and all I can do is try to stifle my laughter and restrain myself from asking him if that is a joke. We'll just have to rely on social security to bail us out when we're 68 and just now retiring... oh wait... that wont work either.

Sometimes I think I should just stay in college forever.

I haven't forgotten about you....

completely... yet....

we actually need a blog for my interactive design class, so maybe cool content coming soon.

Here it goes again

I have a number of blog/web pages out there, I keep finding places that I like better, eventually I'll move all the important stuff over here, maybe today considering I have time to kill in Atlanta international airport, 8 hours of killing time to be more precise. Two of which have been occupied by listening to the guy beside me talk none stop in dutch via web conference on his mac.... It's kind of annoying, or maybe I'm just already predisposed to be irritated due to my ass being numb from sitting so long.... That's my own fault. This place is huge, I could walk miles through here easily. I may do that eventually. I have some movies to watch and some awesome tunage, so hopefully I wont end up as some crazy person they have to escort off the premises... it's a long walk back to Kentucky.

I suppose I could use this time to be somewhat retrospective, I thought about it for a short while and decided against it. You should never "deal" with you past. It's over, it's done, can't change it, and thats that, no sense in keeping yourself worked up about it. Besides I'm happy we're I'm at now, maybe not immediately in this one particular place in time, but i'm speaking for over all, things are good.



I'll probably have more to say later, look around for my photos, They will probably be as close as most of you ever get to Greece. I'm stoked.