teeter totter

How many times have you been sitting on the edge. The brink of something, and yet you can't quite tell what is on the other side. That's where I'm at right now. I think I'm falling apart. People say I'm not myself... I don't really feel any differently, But then again, I feel not quite like I'm missing part of myself, but more or less just like some part of me got turned off. And now I'm searching in the dark for the switch. I don't know what this means for me. I'm pretty much failing my entire semester. After four years of college i fuck it up in the end... right when you're actually supposed to start buckling down and getting your shit together. I start throwing shit around like some monkey. Perhaps I'll stumble around enough and find an "EJECT" button, or some bright blinking "EXIT" sign. Maybe doors are just locking themselves as soon as I put my hand on the knobs.


Despite all of this. I. Don't. Care. It's not the apathy that I felt in high school, that was fueled by some black rage that I kept to keep from getting hurt. It's simply an absence. Really all I can do at a time like this is shrug. Oh don't worry, there are times I have my moments, staring in the mirror at myself staring at myself fighting to get control of my breathing back. I think it's a classic case of an anxiety attack. Even though I've never really had those before. I thought i had internalized all my worries into stomach and head aches. It's strange how us people work. Or maybe I speak for myself, since most people don't group me in with "most people."