Today I blog.

"The man in black fled across the desert, and the gunslinger followed."

-Stephen King, The Dark Tower.

I finished the series this morning. I must commend King on his story telling abilities. While I'm still undecided on his writing style. The story was great. And the ending, perfect. It was an unusually long trek for me, spanning the course of about six months I guess. With a long laborous side track into the STAND, which I didn't particularly enjoy, and for nought other than Jay said it was desperate to include in my journey with Roland. What a crock....

Anyway, job hunt is still on. I'm in the process of working on a mini project for a job I've applied for. I'm hoping quite strongly for this one to work out. It will put me in a very good spot. It's in Gallatin, not far from where Jay will be working and we can love comfortably between the two. It's not my ideal job, but great experience and for a good job. Plus it puts me a little close to the playing field. All this time I've been focusing my energies on broadcast and radio and production stuff, but just recently I've decided that I think I would be happier, and more productive on the copywriting side of advertising. It's frustrating to realize things like this, when it seems almost too late. My portfolio is weak, and it's a stab at myself more than anything. I spent more time college working to pay bills than I did working on really great projects to add beef to my portfolio, generally just turning in something to get the grade, when just a few hours extra work could've given me so much more. It's my own fault. If this new opportunity works out, I'll have some time, and hopefully the money to buy a computer on which to work on my portfolio and quietly edge myself into a place I REALLY want to be. May take a couple years, but good stuff takes time.

I'm also on the hunt for a mentor. I'm looking for someone in the field who's willing to have lunch with me a couple times a month maybe. Talk about my work, their work, the industry, and help me network. Here's to hoping for people who are willing to help. It's difficult for me because I don't necessarily consider myself a people person. I have a surprisingly strong social quota, and once its full I'm liable to leave you sitting in my living room while I go to bed. However, while I'm on, I'm on! I'm very personable, and socializing comes easy to me as long as it isn't mundane and pointless small talk and chatter just to fill the void of silence. People should be more comfortable with silence. But for me, breaking the ice is the hard part, because I'm almost more comfortable sitting in silence just staring at you, however weird. Don't get me wrong, I enjoy company, it's just harder for me to initiate things like that. I'm going to work on. Networking is going to force me to, and it must be done.

I know I've said this before, but I'm on a mission to write more. Whether it be poetry or just blogging in general. I can't expect to hold on to a talent that I don't use regularly. (Jay you should take that to heart about your ART )(And I say that out of love and longing to see you create.) Reading more is also on that list. Reading inspires me. So I'm aiming to start blogging and writing creatively at least once a week from now. Everything hinges on this job it feels. Because it will grant me a set schedule, a professional work place, and a more structured agenda which to work with throughout a day. Wish me luck.

here are some copy exercises from the week for a kiwi

KIWIk fix

Hot fuzz

Strawberry's better half

better under the bush

Long time no see

Life has been extremely fast paced lately. Lots of stuff has happened. Mostly in my personal life but I'm hoping success there will lead to professional success as well. Biggest thing? I'M ENGAGED!!! Yep. Getting married. We've set a date of October 19, 2011. I'm a little pensive about it. It's a Wednesday I'm worried any people may not be able to make it. But Jay feels quite passionately about the date so we will see. Save the dates will be out oficially by this fall. You can read our engagement story on his blog. I could never do it justice. I had an amazing birthday last week. Spent with all my favorite people. Jay also got a promotion. He's now an Assest Protection Coordinator. Basically, the boss of what he was doing. He's started his training this week. So thanks to his new position we will be moving to the greater Nashville area by the end of June when my lease is up. Im really looking forward to it. I've already started applying for jobs in the area and am hoping it will jumpstart my own career. Wish us luck.
Most of my freetime lately has een focused on perfecting my resume and jobhunting. I'm hoping that once I'm in a better spot I'll be able to point my energies back into writing. Jay has gotten back on a roll lately and has a petty good start to a book. I'm kind of jealous. I miss writing poetry.
As I mentioned in my long ago last post. I'm on a mission to a better self. All of March I was fast food free. I felt better! And my bank account did to. I'm hoping to mostly continue that trend and put fast food on the soda schedule of only occassionally. Not to mention I've joined Parks & Rec. My goal is to lose fifteen pounds r atleast two pant sizes. I'm not too caught up on numbers. I just know that Im in the worst shape of my life. And if I can get happy with my body again that will just be one more positive outlook. I want to feel good and have the confidnce that I Look good too. I'm on my way to work out now. Wish me the perserverence to push myself.


- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

AH a new year

So what now? Walmart is dragging me down. But without my own computer and internet access it has been rather hard to be diligent in creating that perfect resume and getting out of here. I really have no one to blame but myself but a new year brings new resolutions. So here are mine

1. Get back in shape... I'm not too worried about weight or numbers or anything. I just want to be happy with my body, and most importantly healthy. Small goal is to get back to a size 5 or 7 by April. Wish me luck. I've been reading a lot from www.zenhabits.net great info concerning creating a lifestyle and making changes that you are happy with. Check it out.

2. Cook more. I've been looking into several cookbooks and magazines and have been inspired. I'm aiming at a couple times a week for starters. I'll work my way up to more. I'm hoping this will help inforce a healthier lifestlye since cooking and eating at home is better than fast food obviously, plus it saves money in the long run! Hopefully this can spill over and benefit those around me like Jay and my awesome roommate Laura.

3. WRITE MORE! Be it blogging or creative outputs like the poetry on my other site, just writing more to get things out. Good for the brain. Good for the heart. I've been reading a lot more lately so that always inspires me. Jay has me hooked on the Dark Tower series by Stephen King. Never read much from the Master of Horror before this with the exception of a some shorts that I wasn't overly impressed with. However, the Dark Tower is captivating. Read The Stand as well, which is on the BBC top 100 Novels of All time, was not impressed with that. BORING. But I'm currently on the Wolves of Calla, and can't wait to finish it, along with the others. They are making a series of movies for the Dark Tower soon, to be started once JJ Abrams finishes with LOST. I have mixed feelings on how some things will translate, but am generally excited, as is the case with most book to movie senarios.

4. BE HAPPY! I've spent way too much time just going through the motions, and being generally depressed for no reason. But when it all boils down to it, I don't have that much to complain about. I have an AMAZING boyfriend, who makes me feel loved and adored every single day. A decent job. A house, and enough money to get by with, if not live extravagantly. I hope to show those around me how important they are to me more often. We reap what we sow.

They say people hold up to their goals more if there is some public accountability, so here's a promise to myself to live more, and live well.

And then?

Things are good. I'm getting back to the point where there really isn't much to complain about. Graduation in a month and a half. And then..... ?
Who knows.
The thought of getting out and about into a real career-esque job is exciting, scary. Am I really ready for the 9-5 grind? Maybe. A change will be refreshing, but I have no idea where I'm heading. I could end up just working at Walmart for the next 5 years.... the economy is rather bothersome. But after spending 5+ years working towards this degree I really want to have something to show for it other than a piece of paper. This "what's next" question is keeping me awake at night. I should try harder. I haven't refreshed my resume. Thats coming next week hopefully. Then its going out on the tubes and filed in all the important places. Wish me luck.

Gotta start the house hunt again soon. I'm dreading it. I HATE moving. Not to mention I have no idea what to expect in the next 6 months or so. Am I staying put in Bowling Green for a while? Will I have some awesome job offer coming up in the summer? Doubtful, but still possible. What if I sign a new lease then get a offer? Money sucks. These are important questions that are beginning to monopolize my thoughts.

Windows

I had the revelation last night that I really only want strangers to read into the intimate parts of my life. Laying in bed for the first time truly cold and feeling more alone than I have for as long as I can remember and I knew that I really didn't want anyone to know. It's weird... this internet honesty. How I like to think that for once I can use a medium truly uncensored and let lose all the thoughts and feelings I sometimes can't bring myself to say audibly has become somewhat crippling here... b/c now I know who is really reading here... and it isn't strangers who stumble upon this by hitting "next blog" to take them to some mundane random peak into a binary existence. Those strangers who have no real connection to me or my story... but maybe read the first few sentences and are intrigued enough to finish it out. Who maybe can leave thinking or feeling that there is some familiarity among us all. That while this is all so personal and private perhaps someone can look at it and say... yeah it happens... instead of feeling betrayed: "can't believe she didn't tell me this."

But I know that you, and you, and maybe even you are waiting for this... which is exactly why it hasn't been updated in months. I feel like you're watching... waiting even, for me to slip up, so you can find some kind of inconsistency within me to hold against. Maybe it's just paranoia. The fact that I can almost imagine in movie quality you sitting at your computer, reading these words all typed out for the world, just some stream of consciousness, and your reaction. Your feelings. Your thoughts.

I guess i have lied to myself about my unabashed honesty, and my lack of attached emotions, now that I realize that your feelings take precedence among my creative outlet.
I feel trespassed upon.

Perhaps an old fashioned journal would treat me better.

amazing song

Come on skinny love just last the year

Pour a little salt we were never here

My, my, my, my, my, my, my, my

Staring at the sink of blood and crushed veneer



I tell my love to wreck it all

Cut out all the ropes and let me fall

My, my, my, my, my, my, my, my

Right in the moment this order's tall



I told you to be patient

I told you to be fine

I told you to be balanced

I told you to be kind

In the morning I'll be with you

But it will be a different "kind"

I'll be holding all the tickets

And you'll be owning all the fines



Come on skinny love what happened here

Suckle on the hope in lite brassiere

My, my, my, my, my, my, my, my

Sullen load is full; so slow on the split



I told you to be patient

I told you to be fine

I told you to be balanced

I told you to be kind

Now all your love is wasted?

Then who the hell was I?

Now I'm breaking at the britches

And at the end of all your lines



Who will love you?

Who will fight?

Who will fall far behind?

teeter totter

How many times have you been sitting on the edge. The brink of something, and yet you can't quite tell what is on the other side. That's where I'm at right now. I think I'm falling apart. People say I'm not myself... I don't really feel any differently, But then again, I feel not quite like I'm missing part of myself, but more or less just like some part of me got turned off. And now I'm searching in the dark for the switch. I don't know what this means for me. I'm pretty much failing my entire semester. After four years of college i fuck it up in the end... right when you're actually supposed to start buckling down and getting your shit together. I start throwing shit around like some monkey. Perhaps I'll stumble around enough and find an "EJECT" button, or some bright blinking "EXIT" sign. Maybe doors are just locking themselves as soon as I put my hand on the knobs.


Despite all of this. I. Don't. Care. It's not the apathy that I felt in high school, that was fueled by some black rage that I kept to keep from getting hurt. It's simply an absence. Really all I can do at a time like this is shrug. Oh don't worry, there are times I have my moments, staring in the mirror at myself staring at myself fighting to get control of my breathing back. I think it's a classic case of an anxiety attack. Even though I've never really had those before. I thought i had internalized all my worries into stomach and head aches. It's strange how us people work. Or maybe I speak for myself, since most people don't group me in with "most people."