teeter totter

How many times have you been sitting on the edge. The brink of something, and yet you can't quite tell what is on the other side. That's where I'm at right now. I think I'm falling apart. People say I'm not myself... I don't really feel any differently, But then again, I feel not quite like I'm missing part of myself, but more or less just like some part of me got turned off. And now I'm searching in the dark for the switch. I don't know what this means for me. I'm pretty much failing my entire semester. After four years of college i fuck it up in the end... right when you're actually supposed to start buckling down and getting your shit together. I start throwing shit around like some monkey. Perhaps I'll stumble around enough and find an "EJECT" button, or some bright blinking "EXIT" sign. Maybe doors are just locking themselves as soon as I put my hand on the knobs.


Despite all of this. I. Don't. Care. It's not the apathy that I felt in high school, that was fueled by some black rage that I kept to keep from getting hurt. It's simply an absence. Really all I can do at a time like this is shrug. Oh don't worry, there are times I have my moments, staring in the mirror at myself staring at myself fighting to get control of my breathing back. I think it's a classic case of an anxiety attack. Even though I've never really had those before. I thought i had internalized all my worries into stomach and head aches. It's strange how us people work. Or maybe I speak for myself, since most people don't group me in with "most people."

History In the Making

*insert barak obama victory dance here*

Tonight we the people made history. If HALF the change Obama wants happens, we will be a much better nation. Screw ppl who keep making references to the fact that we'll be somewhat socialist...it will do us good. I'm so excited for the future of our country. Anything is better than what we have now.
It sill bothers me that most of the nation is against gay rights, bother me a lot. I love Anna, I want her to have everything that i may potentially have.
Fuck Oil, our real concern should be water.
Life is complicated.
Josh is mad at me
Had some heavy conversations with my mom and grandma today. Found out things about my familiy I never knew.


My head needs some helium, just to lighten up some.

What the hell just happened?

What a fucking fucked up night.


So I get off work and go see my friend's band play at a local shop here in town. We have a grand ole time afterwards catching up on stuff and talking about just life in general since we really haven't had time to hang out in a long time. Thomas and I grew up together but only see each other sporadically now. Anyways, we're really good friends. So we end up going on down to our favorite local bar and hanging out there for a while, but we get bored and walk up to a party at one of his friend's houses a couple blocks away. Everything is going fine and dandy, and I'm sitting outside by myself for a little bit while he's talking to a bunch of people I don't know. These two guys walk up and start to go into the house next to the one we're out. One guy cracks some pick up line joke and laughed it off and so did he. A few minutes later he comes back out and sits down beside me and we proceed with stupid small talk. Just when I'm getting to the point to mention that "hey I gotta boyfriend at home so don't bother and cut the shit" this dude's brother comes out. He's dressed up like some old hick or something with fucked up teeth and a cane and makes a pass at me too... I'm totally willing to brush this off so I laugh and make some comment about needed to buy a toothbrush, and me and these two guys banter back and forth momentarily but somehow, and I couldn't even begin to tell you how, shit gets fucking real. The original guys brother goes off the god damn deep end and we end up in getting ready to throw it down. Like seriously, I was taking off my jacket and we were getting ready to roll. He didn't give a fuck that I was a girl and niether did I. At this point Thomas and his friends are coming downstairs and outside and I yell at him that we need to go or I'm going to fuck this guy up... so naturally he picks up speed and comes out the door with some concern. The first dude picks up his brother's cane and swings the god damn thing at me, missed and bust Thomas across the face and dudes bro punches me once in the jaw and then in the face. Holy fuck shit went wild. a few people pulled these two fucktards away and push them into the nieghbor's house and the guy across the street comes out of his door to see what is up. Thomas calls the police, because obviously we've been asaulted. These two guys are arguing inside the house and come barrelling out to make their escape. But me, being me, start talking some fucked up shit about them being pansy ass bitches. Some dude is trying to push them in the car but 1st guy's brother is not having it and comes running at me again talking shit and Thomas says their isn't any point in leaving because the police are on their way and will be there in any minute. So dude says some shit and thomas comes down off the porch toward guy one, whose face I'm already in and the dude just starts hitting on Thomas with this cane, I turn around in time to see the cane shatter over his head and blood go splattering, and I fucking lose it. Which is ok cause brother dude is aready coming at me again. So he and I are in some real fisticuffs. He's pretty much pounding on my head and I'm wailing on ribs and kidney hard enough to bruise my hand and really fuck my fingers up. Some dude finally gets these two idiots in the car about the time the cops pull up and the drive off. But not before I get a lisence plate number. They still got away though, but the police are tracking them down supposedly. So the next hour or so is spent talking to police and taking pictures of Thomas and me pretty much covered in Thomas's blood. It took us like 30 minutes to find someone to take us to the emergency room, b/c Thomas doesn't have insurance and refused the ambulance ride, but needed stitches. And the cop didn't want me to drive, probably for good reason. So then we spent the next six hours in the ER. I didn't even get seen. The last thing I need is another medical bill. the ER nurse informally examined me, being concerned about the growing bruise on my collar bone, and said I have a mild concussion from about five-seven solid shots on my skull, couple have some cuts on them. Thomas does as well, with six stitches in his skull. So basically once these dudes get caught they've got assault on an unarmed dude, who didn't throw one single punch, pansy fuckers couldn't even manage to knock him out with a weapon, and then brother bear there is looking at assault on a GIRL half his size who did at least as much damage to him as he did to me.